Funny Status Messages

   The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

   I hate it when a shower only has two options, either 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day...

   When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country...It's a whole different way of thinking.

   Dear Facebook, Every time I add a girl you ask me "Do you know her?" Mind your OWN Business!

   It's been years since I've seen Dora The Explorer... I think she got deported.

   Wonder if the government is going to issue fuel stamps to the needy, I need to be on that program.

   sorry for anyone in a cab right now.......awkward!!!!!

   Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have a few things I need to confess: I let the dogs out, I stole the cookies from the cookie jar, I hacked play station, I was on Navy Seal Team 6 and YES I did cause global warming.

   i cant belive they actually thought they predicted the end of the world...When mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!

   Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

   Made it through another day without having to know karate.

   Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I'm having scrambled eegs

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I went to the store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. Someone is a marketing genius.

   I've reached an awkward stage in my life where I have the wardrobe of a skateboarder and the hair line of a guy who yells at skateboarders.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse

   Three weeks without a signal typo!

   I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..