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I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at. 
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Being unsure has never stopped me from making a decision.
Patriot, AR-15, Liberty, Taliban, Gun Rights, Tea Party, Terrorist, Religious Freedom. Oh, never mind me. I'm just stirring the pot with the NSA for when they monitor my Facebook account.
I just saw a guy with a hook hand and a ponytail. Dude, you cut off the wrong thing.
Why is it that the Troubleshooting sections of user manuals address every problem except the one you are having?
"Nothing but Ben Affleck/Batman crap. Why the hell am I even here??" -NSA guy
I got a little over-aggressive on the trampoline so my 2 year old should be landing in a couple of minutes.
The problem with frozen yoghurt is that it's not ice cream.
All a woman wants is a strong, confident, capable man who will wear whichever shirt she tells him to.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I'm lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
That moment you realise you're a result of sex.
The downside of being tolerant is all the stuff you have to tolerate.
Don't ever change for anyone. Nothing is worth compromising your beliefs. Unless it's for money.
That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.
If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.
Am I the only one that thinks the "Affluenza" Mom looks a heck of a lot like Carrot Top?
..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid .... 