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I guess what I'm proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations. 
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
There is no angry way to say "bubbles"
Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur.
Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.
My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.
Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.
I just read an article where a study found that men who reported incomes higher than $250,000 on a dating site, received 156% more emails than the under $50,000 ones. On a related note, my income is now $250,000. Your move ladies.....
Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable
BET AWARDS MAYHEM - this happens every time these people get together. No, I don't mean b lack people, I mean silly rap ''artists''.
Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"
If I had boobs, I'd never be able to look up again.
I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.
So when is the next end of the world???
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7. 