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A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl, but a beautiful girl with a brain & smarts is a weapon of mass destruction... 
FB lesson number #1. If you don't want people to in your business, stop posting it on your status.
You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.
I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.
What kind of impatient psychopath leaves 1 second on a microwave.
Just wrote my rent check in hieroglyphics, that should delay things for a while.
Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.
My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.
The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.
Preparing a romantic bath for my exboyfriend: candles, flowers, soft music, bath salts, toaster...
Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.
I need to go to Walmart but I can't find my pajamas.
Everyone around me is obsessed with finding true love. All I want is a girl who will laugh at my jokes.
The preacher tells me today... " I hardly see you in church. You need to join the army of the Lord". I said... "I am. I'm in the secret service"
"The guy at the first window called you a little b!tch." - Me at the second window at the Burger King Drive-Thru.
Ok, screw it...I'm just gonna wait for the iPad 10 to come out. You know the clear one, has solar power, you can go deep sea-diving with it, and not to mention... using it as a bullet proof chest plate!
Your Ex asking to be friends after breaking up is like......Kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after letting you go... 