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Men who don't understand why their woman is mad at them need to realize the woman doesn't know why either. 
Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."
Relying on the government to protect your privacy is like asking a peeping tom to install your window blinds.
Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back
To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner
The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it's a website to find love. So I was close.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
A Rod's attorney just accused MLB of causing an unsafe playing environment. He might be right since the playoffs present A Rod with a choking hazard.
What rhymes with Cupid?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My 30 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 150 lbs. I've gained.
The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.
I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.
I've never been held hostage but I've been on a group text.
"Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.
My girlfriend said she needed some time alone to herself, so I set her up a Myspace account. 