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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. 
on dec 21st all the power companies should shut off the power for 10 minutes just to make people flip out
Actually saw two young people talking today. Parents must have grounded them from their phones.
Don't get out of bed, it's a trap.
Whenever I get called into my boss's office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.
John Denver's “Rocky Mountain High” the new official song for the state of Colorado...
So if you ever want to experience the closest thing to a zombie apocalypse, all you have to do is wait in line for Black Friday at your nearest Wal-Mart...
The key to a long and good relationship is to keep the fights clean, and the sex dirty!!!
I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.
For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!
Sharing vigil photos on FB does not solve anything, better values, spending time with your kids and raising them right does.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?
Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.
I hate when I'm admiring my good looks from a car's window reflection and the people inside think I'm staring at them.
Fact: Ten out of ten people die. Don't take life too seriously.
If you rearrange the letters in North West, it spells Bad Parents.
Oh for god sake, just fall in love with me already so I can stop acting normal.
Trust me, as you get to know me, I just get weirder. 