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Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time. :( 
At least your tax dollars are helping the secret service get laid.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I've ever witnessed.
Whenever I'm walking and a white van drives pass me, I get a little depressed inside because it makes me feel like I'm not kidnap worthy.
Funny, this warrant doesn't feel so outstanding.
Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Rihanna filed a restraining order against a man for breaking into her house. I assume when all of this blows over she'll make him a key.
Cubic Zirconium's slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
I just yawned on the bus and two dudes gave me their phone numbers.
maybe the Mayans were referring to the Twinkiepocalypse.
I do a spot-on impression of a man in his 30's not living up to his full potential...
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.
the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside
Due to those 5 extra minutes of sleep I got because of the snooze button I'm not even tired anymore --Said no one ever!
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house. 