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I'm just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time. 
If you don't cuss when you drive you aren't paying enough attention to the road.
brought to you today...by the neighbor's router. ;)
why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets
called your boyfriend gay and he hit me back with his purse
You know you're getting old when one of the Goonies is now playing a grandmother in a TV comedy.
wonders who opened that first oyster and said, "My, my, my... now doesn't this look yummy!"
would like to offer you a helpful tip : Build a bridge.....AND JUMP OFF IT!!
If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?
Do car companies REALLY think it's possible that a spouse is secretly able to obtain financing, purchase a car, have it wrapped in a bow, and delivered on Christmas Eve?
Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!
"Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away."
"If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"
I'm wondering why life keeps teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn...
Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ
So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?
WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.
I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride. 