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If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail. 
ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.
Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.
I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Instagram is down! I'm freaking out! What are you people eating? How are your pets? What the hell is happening???
Her cup size will determine how long the hug will last!
I always wonder why birds stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on earth, then I ask myself the same question...
I'm doing a water balloon drive by at bestbuy tonight at 23:00 hours...... Whose with me?!?!
wondering what people used to do or how they lived their lives without the internet....so I asked Google
Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?
noticed that ever since Susan Boyle confessed her virginity to the world, the Taliban and Al Qaeda have cut back on suicide bombing, knowing now what lies ahead for them.
Girls are like buses they come and go. But remember there's only one bus that takes you home. Never miss that ONE bus :)
I haven't been to work in four days. I've almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.
Trust is like an eraser, smaller after every new mistake
Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look fat.
why must I be made to feel like a porn star everytime I open yogurt....
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans.. 