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- Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot. 
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn't shop.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Can't believe it's been a whole year since the world ended in 2012
People who bite icecream scare the hell out of me
I think Oprah should marry Deepak Choprah and take his last name.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom's wastepaper basket.
I don't think my Neighbor's wife watches porn, I have been cleaning her pool for 3 hours now and she still hasn't invited me inside :/
There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom
Telling your kids you remember when gas was $.99 is like your Grandparents telling you they remember walking to school in the snow barefooted... Both were a long long time ago & will never happen again...
I'd rather hear a dry fart from a wet dog than hear another one of your boring stories
200 Happy Birthday Messages on my wall and all I got was a Farmville tractor.
You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.
Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.
I went to a gas station today and asked for $5.00 worth of gas, the clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
going to go a few pages back, copy a status, then re-word it so I appear creative.
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen. 