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Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends". 
You're born looking like your parents, but you'll die looking like your decisions.
I wonder if Miley Cyrus's foam finger will be sold on Ebay? Pretty sure there will have to be a disclosure stating "Warning: Smells Like Shame"
f I show you a picture on my phone, don’t swipe left, don’t swipe right. Just look.
Dear Stomach: You're bored, not hungry. Shut up.
There are no stupid questions, But I have met a ton of inquisitive idiots.
Facebook's adding hashtags and Instagram's adding videos. Go home you two, you're drunk.
Your liver is the only organ that can regenerate itself. I believe that calls for a drink… Cheers!
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
I'm hungry, but I'm not 'cook something' hungry.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?
SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.
Unicorns are real, They are just fat and gray and we call them Rinos
These food stamps taste terrible...
To those who do not believe that war is the answer... Please enjoy your "Independence Day". Heck enjoy the whole weekend.
Did you put the "Baby on Board" sign on your minivan to let me know you have precious cargo OR to warn me that your going to drive like an a$$hole and pay attention to everything but the road? just curious....
The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."
I have no sense of proportion. Which causes me big problems. Or small ones. I'm not sure 