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The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me. 
I don't do drugs. I can get the same effect just standing up fast!
Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?
Some people can ruin how attractive they are by doing this weird thing with their mouth... it's called "talking"
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven
Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.
If you want to cry use a tissue; not your Facebook status. !!
Your duty as a best friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.
When I turn up the car radio, that's a sign to shut up… not talk louder and ruin the song.
I hate when I run into the one that got away at the grocery store… and she's all like “There's the son of a b!tch who kidnapped me!”
My friend told me not to say anything about her new boyfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on his normal one.
If Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.
if I live to be over 100 I'm gonna tell people something crazy of how I've lived to be that old like I ate a pine cone everyday or something like that.
I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.
I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I’m sorry pornsite but I’m just trying to masturbate and not get involved in stuff like online casino games, thanks. 