Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that. 
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.
I bet the passengers on the missing Malaysian airplane are racking up some serious reward miles, given all of the different directions they've been flying.
Why do all you women brag about multi-tasking. You need to chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once
Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.
Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...
To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.
The older I get, the more I think I owe my parents an apology...
Well I had close call lastnight! This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady! But when she whipped into that parking spot perfectly.....I was like hold on somethings up!
How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?
MAN: Hello! Is this 911? POLICE: Yes! What's Ur emergency??! MAN: Two girls are fighting over me! POLICE: What's wrong with that??! MAN: The ugly one is winning.... Hurry!!!
The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.
And now stepping into the on- deck cirle, Lindsay Lohan.
Who Is Paul McCartney? You see kids, before PC's & Auto-tune, there were these mythical creatures who could sing/play/write songs themselves!
Hey toilette paper manufactures, you think you can make the last six sheets a courtesy red? Thanks
That terrifying moment when your cat walks into the room, stares at something you can't see and runs away in a panic.
I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.
Why is it that melted cheese tastes like a zillion times better than regular cheese?
eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza. 