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DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin." 
Only people with sh!tty video cameras and shaky hands can see UFOs.
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..
We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"
If the person is ugly , you call them a stalker. If the person is goodlooking, you call them a secret admirer.
If you're buying Smart Water for 4$ a bottle,, I'm sorry to tell you it's not working
I refuse to watch any presidential debates until they are both hooked up to lie detectors.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.
I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas by switching to single
if a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder" then what would you call men's underwear? Under the butt nut hut?
Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?
KY should just go ahead and make lip gloss already.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live...
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager
A guy hears his wife's voice from the kitchen, "What would you like for dinner my love? chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." she yells back, "You're having soup you jerk! I was talking to the cat!"
Facebook account for sale, Friends included 