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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way 
The amount of people I have to say good morning to on a daily basis really pisses me off
Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.
Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you're in Starbucks.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.
How could it be called a "botched execution" if the scumbag is dead.
If You Like Piña Colada's, and getting songs stuck in your head...
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Ok, let's stop saying “Happy New Year” to everyone. It's January 7th and it's just awkward.
Your not old until your toenails look like Frito chips.
Fact: the domestic Cat remains the only species that's trained humans to clean up poop in exchange for conditional love.
Don't tell me to make myself at home if you don't want me to drop my pants and download porn on your computer.
When we start seeing our posts used by comedians...It's time to band together and sue!
What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.
Just walked out of Wal Mart and thought to myself... "Wow, I've never seen it that empty with customers". Then it hit me... WrestleMania is on tonight. 