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Bald people shouldn't wear polo neck jumpers. They just end up looking like a roll-on deodorant 
Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks so cool, hanging from my car's rearview mirror :)
Please give your Mother's an Extra Big Hug tomorrow for those who can no longer hug theirs here on earth... Cherish the Moment.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."
Next time you're on the phone and a customer service rep asks "Is there anything else I can do for you?" whisper "Smile for the camera, I'm watching you" & hang up
Go down a waterslide when it isn't wet and then you'll understand the importance of foreplay.
Self checkout was invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
If Batman and Catwoman had a kid, it would become either a Batcat, or the less popular Manwoman.
Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!
I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.
My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.
If you're upset about seeing a middle finger on TV, you're going to sh!t yourself when you see everything else going on in the world.
It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
It's impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Listen, I'm sorry... That reaction was WAY over the line.... I actually have no problem with the horse you rode in on....
asks: Is it wrong to want to be the designated driver just so you can drop obnoxious drunk a$$holes off at random houses that aren't theirs?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm kicking your ass!
Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word. 