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Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories." 
If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.
Our kids will never know the terror of calling their crush on a landline and having their parents answer the phone.
20-30 years from now, one of the hardest things our kids will be faced with is finding a screen name which is not already taken!
it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league
Cashiers are always checking me out.
No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
There's nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it's only lettuce :(
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
Morning America, what are we offended by today?
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career, I would have henchmen by now
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.
I got an e-mail from a woman that read, "I need you to come plow my field.... squeeze my melons.... touch my yams...and play with my peach!" I was getting ALL excited until I realized it was just an invitation to play Farmville...WTF! 