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10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy... just sayin' 
A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll
Bus drivers inwardly laugh at you when they drop you off in the rain.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea
Charlie Sheen interview tonight on 20/20...I'm going to get drunk and watch it, it'll make more sense that way.
“Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree
Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.
If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they're either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
The ONLY reason I haven't unfriended you yet is because you have huge boobs and I have a feeling that I would miss seeing them.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I'd like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you're right"
A co-worker has stopped acknowledging me in the hallway. Please tell me what I did to make you want to ignore me, so I can do it to others.
I stay up late every night and realize it was a bad idea every morning.
We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.
I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out.
I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.
SARCASM: Giving me the exclusive power to humiliate idiots without them knowing it.
Hey,,,You knew what you were getting into when you friended me...
"Local artist" is just fancy talk for "stinky guy nobody likes."
Sometimes, I feel like my life should be documented for future generations. 