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Try to change your perspective. Instead of thinking, "I'm still unemployed," think "This is the longest vacation ever!" 
I use to say “That's How I Roll” until I fell down a hillside. It was much different than I imagined. Now I say: That's how I scream & bounce.
I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather SH!T in my hands and clap!"
If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi.
Twitter: What's happening? Facebook: What are you thinking? MySpace: Where is everybody?!
it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting them.
The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."
Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...
Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.
Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here
I saw an ad on TV that settles the age old query..."What started the universe, God or The Big Bang?" I come to find out in a 30 second commercial that the Solar System is powered by a Jimmy Dean Sausage Biscuit.
I might have lost the relationship, but I regained myself.
My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."
when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.
The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
"I'm open-minded" usually translates into, "My fetish is pretty intense, how weird can yours be?"
The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from
Hypochondriacs with OCD make the best house keepers.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams! 