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Dear Wasted Drunk girls... We get it. This is your song... 
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.
I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."
I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.
It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!
If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.
So I read that Uber is going to start using self-driving cars to drive people around... Which is a great idea.. But I'm just thinking, if a car drives up to my house to take me somewhere with nobody in it.. I'm pretty sure I just got myself a new car...
I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can pluck a fly out of the air with your bare hands. You Sir, are what we called hired!"
No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.
Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!
People You May Know = I know none of these people.
feels like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance.
Because we're all so offensive and opinionated, anything about politics, religion, race, current events, and alcohol will always get the most votes and comments.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want? 