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A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early today and get hammered. 
I got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.
Only ghetto people go to a family party, complain about the food and STILL take 3 plates home.
I want that "Damn you are still together?" Relationship!
Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.
''Hey, How was your Blind date?'' ''Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls Royce!''......''What's so terrible about that?''.....''He was the original owner!!!''
Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.
Guys who say they like girls who don't wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.
According to a story on the front page of The New York Times, Kanye West is marrying Kim Kardashian. The wedding is scheduled for June and the divorce is in July.
If I ever go missing,,, I hope they put my photo on bottles of OCD medication, cuz you know those people won't stop looking.
How is ''Doable'' anything but a compliment!!!
I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
I took my Cat and her six kittens to the Vet to get them spayed and neutered! The Vet asked ''Is the momma cat friendly?'' I said ''Well....Duh, How do you think we got in this mess in the first place!!!''
When I was a child,I acted like a child and had imaginary friends,now they just call it facebook.
Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.
If a genie ever gives me a wish, I'm going to get a piggy back ride from Oprah.
I bought a new dog and named her G-Spot. Now I can't find her.
The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.
advises all the young people, "Do not grow up; it's a trap!!"
I went to a Narcissists Anonymous meeting but it was just this pathetic bunch of nobodies 