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The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back. 
Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.
I tried to keep up with the Kardashians but now it burns when I pee
To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .
I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.
Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.
I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.
Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.
My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"
Notice seen outside a Church: Please do not leave your Purse/Watch/Handbag/Mobile/Girlfriend/Boyfriend unattended. Others may think it`s an answer to their prayers.
When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return.
I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses
I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Not everyone that comes into your life needs to stay there.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Perspective is everything. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the live lobsters in the ship's galley.
Attention All Mom: if you have a son from the ages of (6 to 12).. Just randomly ask him..."If 30 ninjas broke in here right now what would you do??" Trust me it will make his day... 