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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun! 
If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.
I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a shit about the royal wedding and go back to sleep
I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.
You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?
I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..
I only date Calendars.
To hate a person is a waste; half the people you hate don't care, and the other half don't know.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally, I'm not looking to develop a heart problem.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
My daily FB goals - 1) Make someone laugh 2) Make someone smile 3) Make someone shake their head 4) Make someone disgusted 5) P!ss someone off. Not exactly in that order.
there is a thin line between love and hate....and I'd like to pick up that line and strangle you with it.......
I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.
Dear guy who invented taking pictures of yourself in a mirror with a cell phone: Do you see what you've done? I hope you're happy.
Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.
Only five shopping days left until the apocalypse!
I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.
So if your invited to someone's 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney? 