Funny Status Messages

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   Kate is officially a milf

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"

   I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.

   Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.

   3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday... 2. Tomorrow is not Friday... 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday...

   I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

   I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

   If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.

   I have Started a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there

   I know it's the 100th year anniversary of Titanic and all that but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.