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Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market. 
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
"Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.
I don't make typos...I make new words
Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"
It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die
Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......
I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.
I've decided that I will be a team player when I get paid like a pro athlete.
While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment
it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...
I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day
hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...
Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!
Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.
Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That's why most of the women put on make up and most of the men lie. 