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I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped. 
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.
thinks the best part about his job is that his chair spins!
.♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫
DONT YOU HATE THAT KID WHO REMINDS THE TEACHER ABOUT TESTS OR QUIZES....
Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."
I think if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single" or petition for a new status called "I am bootycall."
Did you know that "Dammit I'm Mad" spelled backwards is "Dammit I'm Mad?"
Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like one mirror at a time
you know you're getting old when you see a beautiful 19 year old girl and wonder what her mother looks like.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for
After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....
Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!
You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck.... 