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What did the Easter Egg say to the boiling water?... It's gonna take a while to get me hard. I just got laid by some chick. 
Not only do I want to see footage of bin Laden being killed, I want the Benny Hill theme song played over it.
Kharma, what did I do to deserve this?! ...Oh, now I remember. Carry on then.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker
old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.
Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it... 