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No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine 
We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.
I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet
The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.
Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
'The Hangover' playing over & over on TV. Well played TBS
There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.
Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?
It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!
Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.
You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!! 