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Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume. 
I wonder how long it would take a giraffe to throw up.
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.
If it's true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff.
If I had a shot of whiskey for everytime I thought of you, I'd be sober.
99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.
I changed the name of my hard drive to 'that thang,' so once a month, my computer asks me if I wanna back that that thang up.
This morning I got in touch with my inner self. And that's also the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper...
whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I'm in public
I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right
I saw a sign on the door of a Wal-Mart that said “It is illegal to set off fireworks inside the building.” I really wish I had been there on the day they decided it was necessary to post that.
My friend said he thought I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn.
THE ANSWER TO AGE OLD QUESTION OF HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL TOOTSIE POP IS...... 277. I KNOW THIS BECAUSE AFTER HALLOWEEN I HAVE HAD 637 OF THEM
Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?
A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you'll see a wedding ring.
The captain of the Costa Concordia is maintaining he only abandoned ship before the passengers because he tripped and fell in to a life boat. I find this very feasible as I once accidently tripped and my pen!s fell in to my wife's sister.
Overheard a guy say "Dis hoe jus said she ain't feelin me, Imma keep holla doe", which I think translates to "I make minimum wage"
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds". 