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ever realize how similar Porsches are to porcupines? Except the porcupine has pricks on the outside.... 
Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say , "Don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea."
Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.
I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart while at the grocery store. Trying to steal my ideas, go think up your own dinner!
The Tooth Fairy teaches kids to sell their body parts for Money.
Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.
To the woman at WalMart with all those screaming, unruly kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your cart when your head was turned. You are so welcome!
Sometimes when the batteries in the remote die, I take both of them out, switch their places, and they're good as new. I'll always feel like I've tricked the stupid remote.
when I was born, they asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis.. I FORGET MY RESPONSE
saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.
Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.
This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.
I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
Who came up with hugs? The very first hug must have been really creepy. “What are you doing? Why are you holding me?” “Just trust me.”
Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really did'nt want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
Onomatopoeias are one thing, but then there are words that look like what they are... like bed.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking "I'm gonna ki..- ahh damn! She's under a blanket."
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"? 