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In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done. 
"I'd hit that" - Asians driving
Why does no one ever take pics of their fast food to post on facebook? You want people to see your gourmet feasts, but not when you're woofing down a 20 piece nugget?
I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.
I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.
Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!
In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.
If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."
There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.
When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.
The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.
As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
Girls with big boobs, stop saying "my eyes are up here" ...I know your eyes are up there, but all the fun is down here.
Just changed the names of all the girls in my contact list to: "Jake, from State Farm"
I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy
Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught. 