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When people tell me "You're gonna regret that in the morning" I sleep in til noon, because I'm a problem Solver 
If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.
My car broke down outside Dominos last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift off the driver.
Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat
If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..
You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight
Dear Facebook friend, I was so super excited to read your post about you having pork chops for dinner. It was almost as captivating as your story about taking your grandmother to the grocery store. Where do you come up with this stuff???
I TOOK A DRUG TEST THE OTHER DAY AND THE TEST RESULTS CAME BACK NEGATIVE. WHICH MEANS MY DEALER HAS SOME F*CKING EXPLAINING TO DO...
After reading this sentence you will realize that the the brain doesn't recognize a second 'the'.
Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"
I hate when I buy a bag of air and there's chips in it.
Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?
I found my first grey pubic hair today....normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option
I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist, They played jump, I jumped. They played "come on Eileen"...I got kicked out for that one. 