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The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman. 
I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.
A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.
Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.
The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.
Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
1. Open fridge. Nothing to eat. 2. Open pantry. Nothing to eat. 3. Lower standards and repeat
If you close your eyes when you're at the gym, it sounds like you're in a porno..
You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight 