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The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman. 
I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......
Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.
I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.
Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Police reports released this morning state that Justin Bieber's blood contained traces of alcohol, pot and Flintstones Chewable's..
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”
I don't want to brag, but I'm single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau. 