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20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area 
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...
I watched the deleted scenes from a p0rno last night. Turns out he did fix the washing machine after all.
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you're ignorant and make bad decisions.
I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves.
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!
thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"
Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"
Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer, 