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Facebook needs a button that's the equivalent of kicking someone under the table to stop them from making a fool of themselves. 
If I ask my mom to take a picture for me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling “IT'S THE BUTTON ON FRONT!
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
The larger the implants, the more likely she’ll be confused by a push/pull door.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area
thinks it's funny that "LOL" has gone from meaning "Laugh Out Loud" to "I have Nothing Else To Say"
Wishes he was a white crayon, so no one would use me...
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"
Im a good enough person to forgive you, but not stupid enough to trust you....
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"
Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.
My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,
I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills. 