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I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins. 
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
YouTube: Domestically educating the public since 2005
..... The only thing deflated at this year's Superb owl was the Falcons.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
No matter how low I lower the bar of expectation, some people manage to roll right under it.
Have you ever noticed that when a woman says "I'll be ready in 5 minutes." it's the same length of time as when a man says "I'll be home in 5 minutes?"
They say that ignorance is bliss but I find it rather disturbing.
When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.
Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.
Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.
In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras
Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.
This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.
insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some
Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.
If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I cannot believe Monday got the audacity to be tomorrow.. 