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I have step ladder. I never knew my real ladder. 
"The system is rigged." --Bernie Sanders after losing at Monopoly
I'm not sure if there's anything sadder than watching someone eat Sonic in their car by themselves.
How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?
My dog ate out of the garbage, sniffed himself, threw up and fell asleep in the kitchen. Think he's mocking me when I drink.
I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.
Don't worry. There will be a time in your life, too, when the phrase "Get up and go" takes on a whole new meaning....
I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.
When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."
If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.
There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."
A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."
They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.
Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.
I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....
I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!
Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal 