Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies. 
I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.
wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. But there's a problem... You're on Facebook on a Saturday night talking about how hard you're partying. You're not fooling anyone.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
When attacked by a bear, play dead. Make his meal less stressful. It's not all about you.
can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
No one is giving you free airline tickets, a week at Disney, a cruise or a cabin in the woods for a year. If you want those things, put down your GD phone, tablet or computer and get off your a$$ and earn them!!
Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.
I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."
How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.
Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.
According to astronomy, whenever you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. The star is dead. Just like your dreams. 