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Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise. 
Inspirational status of the day: Don't be a douche.
Dear phone. If you wouldn't remind me every ten seconds that my battery was low, I'd be able to finish my status upda
People come in many colors. Orange should not be one of them.
If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
Valentines Day is next week! Or Tuesday, as I refer to it.
Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.
Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?
I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Soccer weanies...Oh, you bumped into me! I'll fall to the ground and pretend I was hit by a bus!
I wish someone would post an "Ice bucket challenge" video
I bought shoes from a drug dealer today. Don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day!
if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.
I just accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it says I have Gary Busey.
if anyone sleeps with my wife I am shooting their guide dog!
If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians
There's nothing I hate worse than coming home drunk, needing to piss really bad and.... finding the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. 