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I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior. 
O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.
so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."
Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.
Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.
The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.
Guys, never give up. If a girl doesn't reply to your text, call her. If she doesn't answer, knock on her door. They love a persistent man.
I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.
I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.
I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.
You can check if you are a Highlander or not by saying "There can be only one" and checking to see if all the glass near you breaks.
Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.
I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok
Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.
Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off 