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At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking. 
In China, forklifts are called chop-stick lifts.
wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.
I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.
It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
What people need are Café Mocha Marijuana Latte's. . .
I've figured out how to solve the problem of the Westboro Baptist Church protesting at veterans' funerals. We aim the 21-gun salute at them.
2011 - "50 Shades of Gray" sells 125 million copies. 2018 - "Baby, It's Cold Outside" is offensive.
I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"
if you are posting how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.
I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.
When I see a flash mob in public
I immediately join in to make it seem
like they didn't practice enough.
Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play....... 