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Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history. 
Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a woman whose knees don't bend.
I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.
No matter where I go, everyone is always like, “Hey how did you get past security?”
Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually just a polite way of temporarily overlooking their stupidity.
Wife: Promise me, you'll let my mom ride in the first car with you at my funeral. Husband: OK, but it'll ruin my day.
enough with the Marty McFly posts! George Carlin traveled back from the year 2688 to help out Bill and Ted but you don't see me posting about it!
Common sense is so rare, it should almost be classified as a superpower!
Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.
If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.
Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.
It's never too early to start drinking for St. Patrick's Day. There are only 52 days left.
Geez!....Drop a couple "fun size" Absolute miniatures in a trick-or-treater's sack and suddenly it's a neighborhood "incident".
Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine
Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."
Just nailed the "She got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.." part on Hotel California.....don't judge
Don't assume I have a bad memory if I don't remember what you tell me. More than likely its becasue I don't like you enough to pay attention.
Guess it's time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Kids are ridiculous these days, when we were young, we took spelling tests, not pregnancy tests.
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die. 