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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex 
I think New York has finally been around long enough that we can just start to call it York now.
Blowing a tranny means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Men everywhere should appreciate Starbucks attempt to brainwash women into believing that grande means medium.
Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.
Secret admirer when you're young. Stalker when you're older.
I'm so old, I remember the internet when it had no commercials. . .
Sometimes "message failed to send," is your second chance.
Sure, you can sit next me. The other 123 empty chairs in this movie theatre probably suck anyways
Got my wife some lovely perfume for Xmas, its called Tester.. Hope she likes it.
I came home from the gym this morning staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit … And all I did was sign up.
Promise me that when you leave Facebook, you guys will tell me where you're going, unlike that time you all ditched me on MySpace.
A nice kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you. So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.
All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he's breaking up with his girlfriend.
... They should remake "Back to the Future." This time have no flying cars and just have everybody standing around staring at their phones and getting offended at everything.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
She had me at, " all three baby daddies are locked up!"
Her: "Now, I'm going to go to the bathroom and take off my 1 pound of makeup, high heels, push-up bra, colored contacts and 3/4 of my hair and then we're going to talk about YOU being more honest." 