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Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house. 
I think I'll feel much better once I beat someone to death.
I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?
@ a funeral . ME: What's the WiFi password PRIEST: Respect the dead ME: Is that all small letters?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.
I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel....she died
The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy. Pack her bags and leave.
It must be extremely hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist
I hate when I walk into Abercrombie and Fitch and I see pictures of me, all over their walls..
Fun game: Send texts to random numbers saying "OK they're Dead, what should I do with the bodies?"
If people ask how many kids you have don't say negative two. No one wants to hear about your abortions.
n't it ironic when you put THE and IRS together it beomes "theirs"? hmmm
No matter how old you are an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a Sword!
feeling down and the only one who can cheer her up is nowhere to be seen
If dinosaurs no longer exist... then why the hell is barney still alive?"
s on a Facebook Dating Application!!.. And You Wouldn't Believe All these Celebrity Looks-A-like's that want to Hook up with me!! I'm Gonna be Dating a girl that looks like Miley Cyrus Suckahs!!"
answering the phone..county morgue, you stab em, we'll slab em
MMMmmmm just saw an ad for the New Playstation "Move".......... looks amazingly like Wii........ 3 years later...Way to stay on top of your game there Sony... just like coming out with your MP3 player after the I-Pod.....
consulting the "magic 8-ball" for al decisions today! 