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When a relationship goes flat, so does a couple of sets of car tires. 
Males are born with a closed fist.Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position of the size of a credit card!
I guess the cop knew I was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Alzheimer's can't be all bad. You get to meet new people every day
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
if I had a nickel for evertime I ignored your friends request, I could buy facebook with all my change..
I hired Helen Waite as my assistant. So if you need anything from me you must go to Helen Waite.
- Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn refrigerator. Eatin' up all the food. All the chitlins... All the pig's feet... All the collard greens... All the hog maws. I wanna eat them chitlins... I like pigs feet.
Never buy anything from a man who is out of breath...
trying to think of ways to coax the gerbil out. Shoulda known they could chew through a sock
planning on stuffing my turkey with Froot Loops - I find it is colorfully festive and fun for the kids!
Cranberry sauce is seriously misnamed. Sauce doesn't retain the shape of the can it comes in. Let's call it what it is. That stuffs cranberry jello.
Sometimes when I'm bored I take red and blue M&Ms and walk up to random people...And try too convince them that one of them will get'em out the Matrix.....
I think the bird of love is the dove. My husband thinks it's the Swallow
Due to sanitary reasons, we will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras.
told my girl her breath smells like al sharptons car seat ....couch tonight....(db)
There is not a worse feeling in the world than being at the Dentist when he has to use the restroom, you hear the toilet flush, you hear the Lysol spray- You don't hear the hands being washed….
You dont need superpowers to read my mind all you need is a facebook Or Twitter..Lol
just smacked someone with a book in the face. When they started getting angry, I just told them that I Facebooked 'em.
Dear Weather Channel, the mancrush you have on Jim Cantore and his lame storm stories is getting ridiculous...Can I just see my local forecast please?! 