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This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here) 
I hate it when I think i'm buying organic vegetables but when I get home they are just regular donuts.
it me? Or do these new iPhone 6 issues have a lot of people bent out of shape?
Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though
hey terrorists, leave the Canadians alone. Pick on someone of your own size.
I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.
Giant spider in my room last night and firefighters took half an hour, they obviously don't understand "emergency"!
I used to think you were special. Then I got to know you.
If all the women on Facebook were laid end-to-end I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
What? No toilet paper. Well, goodbye socks.
it wrong to put eggs in chicken salad? It just seems wrong...
why does the drive-thru ATM have braille?....what blind person is driving a car?
Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."
People who use tea bags only once, who the f cuk do you think you are? Bill Gates?
Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.
Jimmy cracked corn and no one cared about it so much that they've been singing about it ever since.
Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I've decided not to workout today. Instead I'll be working on my ABS of beer.
Cosby Show Fact: Sandra and Elvans Children were named after Winnie and Nelson Mandela. #RIP
I was putting the lights up on our 12 foot Christmas tree this afternoon using a 10 foot ladder. Suddenly,I lost my balance, fell off of it and landed flat on my back on the floor. So thankful I was on the bottom step when it all happened. 