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Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove 
I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!
I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.
"I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.
Alicia Keys at the supermarket: "THIS MILK IS EXPIRED!"
Women are like belts; If it's not tight enough, move it to another hole.
Age 11: “I whip my hair back & forth!” Age 27: “I drive my kids back & forth!” Age 72: “I rock my chair back & forth!”
Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.
Yesterday my fat girlfriend gave herself a landing strip. Today she got hit by a plane.
Snowball Fight! :) o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄.¸(░)`O.❄。¨¯`*✲ ´*。.❄¨¯`*✲。❄*´*。✲O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸¸.✲.¸.o´¯`¸.o´¯`❄¸(░)`O.¸¸.¸.✲´¯`o.¸(░) `O.¸❄。`O.¸¸.¸.o´¯`❄。¨¯`*
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.
Obama Says He Will Re-send Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps
I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.
I wanted to write something about DJ AM but some people said it was too early, so i'm gonna wait 'till noon.
Dear Walgreens: Please stop putting diarrhea medicine on the bottom shelf. -Everyone
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge. He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
God....if you give us back Johnny Cash, Waylon Jennings or Freddie Mercury, we'll give You Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in return, Amen!!
Women are like refrigerators; cold on the inside, you always want to put your meat in them, and they all belong in the kitchen.
As I'm getting older I've noticed my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used
What's with girls who write *crying* on their status? If you wre really crying you would not be able to type that you are crying, now shut the fu*k up before I give you something to really cry about. 