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I'm late for work again! This time my dog ate my car. 
Ever who the guy was that said the South will rise again had erectile dysfunction.
If you call your son Kenneth then you have only yourself to blame if he still lives with you when he's 45
T-rolls everywhere today. I am out of here.
I'm not saying shes a hoe, but shes taken more loads than a washing machine.
Upon entering a room I announce "what smells in here?" just in case I fart later. That way I'm covered.
"White Girl Wasted" is just another way of saying Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette
When life Knocks you down, calmly get up, smile, and say " You hit like a Bi&ch"
I have a friend that has 3 jobs. Weatherman, Politician, and car salesman. I don't think he's very truthful.
Since I'm sleeping on the couch, Switced my wife's alka seltzer water with red bull and 2 laxative pills!!! Her shittz going to fly!
If I only had a gym at home so I could finally not go to that one either.
I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"
do siamese twins call their colons a "semicolon"?
What idiot named them diet pillz instead of girth control?
should I paint my nails light pink or nude? - Kim Kardashian
I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.
#RealMenHandleThereBusiness #Manup #growup #showup #liveitup "Happy Fathers Day!" -take pride in what is yours and be proud of the human you created :)
I just got a blood transfusion from an Asian and Geico called me to revoke my car insurance.
Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean
I wish you were an early bird, because I have the worm. 