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The best way to avoid getting fired is to avoid getting hired. 
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're on a diet.
GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........
High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."
Bought a cruise missile today and now I’m waiting for my neighbor to walk his dog in my yard.
Girl called me up today, said come on over, nobody is home......So I went over. She was right, nobody was home.
This stop sign has been red for half an hour.... I'm about to just go
A nap is a nap if you take your pants off.
Apparently it's against the law in Janesville, Wisconsin, to commit lewd acts in a Kwik Trip store. Please take note.
Kanye West should give his baby son back to hospital because he hasn't learned to say "Kanye" yet.
I've accepted the fact that I'll never get back to my original weight. After all, 6 lbs. 3 oz. is pretty unrealistic.
Let's face the truth all three year olds are walking, talking middle fingers.
My friend just described her teenage daughter as "spunky", which I thought was hilarious.
Did you know that if you say the word "gullible" slow enough it sounds just like you said "Cantelope".
I tried making some rabbit stew this past weekend, but my wife complained that there was a hare in it.
If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.
"I'm riding the struggle bus today." - A 3 year old trying to do a puzzle
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing....except when you're at a funeral.
.... Told the wife that next long weekend I'm gonna actually get off the couch and take those Christmas lights down. Unless I see a spider then the whole things off.
I want a President I can do mushrooms with.
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