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"Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?" 
..i bought a pair of shoes called "Dyke". It has an extra large tongue and it gets off with just one finger.
What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck
The Mayan calendar says the world is going to end in 2012. That's why I refer to my Ziggy calendar instead.
the yanks crashed out of the world cup coz they weren't allowed to use their hands...
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me
Just tried to wake my wife up, by throwing skittles at her... yelling, Wake Up, and taste the rainbow.
"Did you hear that" - Hellen Keller
Skipping the new Jackass movie - already saw Christine O'Donnell debate this week.
I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.
Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.
Gas prices are so high I just saw 12 Mexicans on one skateboard!
I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom.
it easy to blame everything on Obama coz he doesnt look like you?
I hear Hillary is standing behind Senator Weiner. I guess if she can stand behind a slick Willey, she can stand behind a Weiner...
why are men so smart during sex? because hes plugged into a genius
friends in low places.
I'm a much better person than Mitt Romney. I only believe 30% of people are entitled freeloaders.
Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion. 