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I went grocery shopping hungry and I'm now the proud owner of aisles 6, 8, 9, 12, and most of the bakery. 
Chicken soup poured into a dinner bowl looks yummy. Chicken soup poured into a toilet bowl looks disgusting.
In hindsight, naming my animal control business "I'll Pound That P ussy" wasn't a very good idea.
I started to use alcohol as a crutch,,, and the I realized it was a liquid.
When you're working out in 108 degree heat and have to pull up your soggy underwear after going #2 FML
an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.
You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up
I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.
Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.
I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.
I like my woman like my beer. Silent.
No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.
Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.
I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.
Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage
i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...
I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.
Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out. 