Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   an Amish Driveby Shooting.................."Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clock Clip Clop.........BANG BANG BANG BANG.............Clip Clop Clip Clop Clip Clop"

   It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

   PRO TIP: Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong into a harp.

   You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up

   I was going to wear my birthday suit today but it has been stretched out of shape and is covered in hair.

   Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.

   I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.

   I like my woman like my beer. Silent.

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...

   I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.

   Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.