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It's SO weird to think that before we invented cars,, if you hated someone, you had to key their horse. 
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble wrap...
The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip
One sure sign that youve had a had a successful commute is that someone flips you the bird at least once. After all, How can you tell if you're succeeding in life without without metrics?
How come when you see it, it's so wrong... But when I pay $2.99 a minute for it, it's ok
Onions think that they are ugly because you cry after you get them naked.
Being Single on Valentine's Day just reminds how pathetic some people are, and how awesome I still am for Being Single on Valentine's Day."
Mad Facebook gets a multi billion dollar tax break
I thought Canadian was a religion.
I resent the term alcoholic, I prefer the term spiritual.
#1 female lie: "I have a headache" #1 male lie: "I'm on my way"
Tomorrow is Steak and BJ Day. I won't be celebrating. It's not like anyone would treat me to Steak and Berry Juice anyway...
Encyclopaedia Britanica is going out of print after 244 yrs & I know that for a fact cos I read it on the Internet.
While playing football with friends: Fat guy = goalkeeper.
sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat
Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women
Hi remember me? I'm the guy you never bothered to say goodbye to you self-conceited b!tch. .
"This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep
If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.
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